Ask Mr. Marketing: North Korea: ‘You can’t publish this column’

“I’ve been planning my New Year’s column since last January. It provides a marketing plan for North Korea, including publicity, a new website, and a dandy free vacation sweepstakes.

By implementing my plan, North Korea’s image and revenues are sure to achieve three years of guaranteed marketing success.

Of course, feeding their people and a few sessions on a shrink’s couch probably wouldn’t hurt either.

Apparently, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was irritated by my suggesting his country is seen as anything less than perfect.

Being offended, he had his team of troglodytes hack my cell phone. He’s also issued a public threat to attack anyone who reads my column.

Therefore, I’ve followed Sony’s lead with “The Interview,” and am canceling my column for this week.

I’m glad this all happened. When “Les Miserables” was banned by the Pope in 1862, sales went through the roof. Ditto works by Descartes, Voltaire, Casanova and dozens of others.

I expect President Obama to soon declare I made a mistake by pulling the column.

And Republican Party Chair Reince Priebus will email his millions of donors urging them to read the column to demonstrate to North Korea that we won’t be bullied in our choice of reading matter.

Now the question: Will this particular column attract its own cult following?

I figure by following Sony’s model, 96 percent of Americans should soon declare interest in reading my work. And while there’s been a theory that the activities coming out of Pyongyang were a failed Sony publicity stunt, I disagree. However, Kim, the rascal, did Sony a huge favor.

By making “The Interview” a forbidden delight, he’s turned a (probably) mediocre release into the MUST SEE MOVIE of 2014.

Your business may also benefit from this rare opportunity. If you manufacture anything, odds are excellent you have something Kim won’t like.

And the only reason he hasn’t called for your eradication is because he doesn’t yet know about it.

So put the world’s best-known lunatic to work for you by sending him samples or literature about your product line.

His address is Choson’gul 55, Pyongyang, North Korea 48458.

Will upsetting Kim help your potential sales? Who can say?

Then again, look at the visibility it’s generated for Sony.

With that said, I wish you a week of censorship-free marketing.

Happy New Year from the entire Marketing Family!