I DON’T KNOW Ask Karen!
Q: I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I really love him but there are some things about him that just drive me crazy. He doesn’t want to get married for another five years and doesn’t want children, but I do. He wants to go out with his friends every weekend and I get mad that he doesn’t want to spend more time with me. He treats me really well when we are together but says that he needs his own space. I am not sure if he is the right one. How do I know if he is the right one?
A: Great question! Since you have been together for two years, you are seeing the real him. The question you need to be asking yourself — Is he the right one for you? It’s time you start thinking about your own values and what is important to you.
It sounds like you want to get married and have children and he doesn’t. This is a huge value difference that will create problems in your relationship unless you are willing to accept him where he is now. If you are thinking that he will change in time, then be prepared to waste your time. Chances are he is not going to change his mind on this in the near future.
Quit getting mad at the reality of what you already know and decide if this reality is what you want for your life. When he goes out with his friends every weekend, he is just showing you his priorities. His values are not wrong, just different than the ones you seem to want or want him to have.
Relationships can fall apart when we do not learn to respect the difference in our values and we focus on trying to change the other person’s value. Maybe it is time to review your own values and honor yourself with someone who is closer to respecting yours. Both of you deserve to enjoy a respectful relationship.
If you have a question for Karen, email her at email@example.com. Karen Loftis is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Ramona. Answers are based on limited information and should not be taken out of context, as individual situations and circumstances vary. Consult a licensed professional for specific assessment and intervention.
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